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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23894197">The Colors of Giving Up</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/louloubear/pseuds/louloubear'>louloubear</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Monsta X (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angsty Showki, Colors, Love, M/M, One Shot, fiesty kihyun, im sorry for hurting showki, kihyun's pink hair, monsta x - Freeform, soff showki</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 16:29:12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,408</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23894197</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/louloubear/pseuds/louloubear</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The way the world paints you is based on how you lived in the world.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Son Hyunwoo | Shownu/Yoo Kihyun</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>30</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Colors of Giving Up</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hi!! my name is lou and this is my first work here aaaaa this one was definitely a challenge but i hope y'all like it!!!<br/>let's support monsta x in their upcoming comeback together hihi</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>In the small town Hyunwoo lives in, word gets around pretty fast. With everyone knowing everyone, the news of someone moving into the apartment that had remained unoccupied for as long as memory serves them was considered something extremely interesting. Hyunwoo passes by women in their forties gushing about the fact that the newcomer had come from Seoul, some men disguised their curiosity with remarks on how the newcomer will bring 'his ways' to their peaceful little town.  </p><p><br/>Hyunwoo isn't in favor of the scowls and the nasty taste their comments left in his mouth but had said nothing. His father always told him that silence doesn't mean one has lost but in fact, one has gained wisdom from the past to not repeat the same mistakes. </p><p><br/>Deciding to pass by the apartment which became the talk of the town so quickly, he thinks back to the time when that apartment was just... An empty apartment.  One floor and roughly around 30 square meters, has a yard of its own and a garage too.  Yes it needed to be cleaned, needed a few fixtures but it will be as good as new.  Why didn't anyone even bother renting it in the first place? </p><p><br/> A smile curls on his face when he sees a figure, his excitement and eagerness to make the newcomer feel welcome overpowered him that he approached him, not taking notice of how the figure was crouched and with something in hand. </p><p><br/>"Hello-" Hyunwoo watches in suprise and horror as the shorter lad juggles the box in his hands, twisting his body to whichever direction the box headed in an attempt to save it from falling.  Hyunwoo tries to help him but before he could even do so, the box was carefully placed on the ground. He watched as the man in front of him huffs in what he recognizes as annoyance. </p><p><br/>"Didn't your mother teach you that it's not nice to sneak up on-" The man freezes and so does Hyunwoo, finally taking in the bright color of this stranger's hair.  He wonders to himself how he could have missed it in the first place. "-someone. "</p><p><br/>The shorter of the two goes by the name of Kihyun but such an important fact has slipped his mind as he felt himself get lost in the kindest eyes he's ever seen.  The two didn't even realize on how their bodies were closer than the average distance two strangers would have.</p><p><br/>Hyunwoo's voice cuts through the silence, "H-Hi I'm Hyunwoo... Welcome to the neighborhood." </p><p><br/>Kihyun blinks at him for a moment before nodding and taking a step back, eyebrows still furrowed together but ears glowing as pink as his hair. "Kihyun. Nice to meet you. "</p><p><br/>Hyunwoo purses his lips, licking at them ever so slighty due to the sudden akward air they were in.  He takes notice of how many boxes were still in the red car's open trunk and looks back at Kihyun. "Can I help you unload the boxes?"</p><p><br/>Kihyun looks at him as if he had three heads but with hands in his pockets, he nods and leads the way to the car so that they will be done before lunch (Or maybe his newfound goal is to be able to hide the fact that his hair isn't the only one that's pink).</p><p>
  <br/>
  <em>At that moment, the town was painted in a new light for Kihyun.  Moving there was a fresh new start,  an empty page for him and he thinks now how he will forever be thankful that Hyunwoo was his first splash of color. </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>/</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"A festival?" Kihyun looked up from his bowl of jjangmyeon. They were in his living room that afternoon when the topic had grazed the table, sitting alongside their two bowls and their glasses of cola. The ice was already melting and Kihyun was getting internally frustrated at the fact that the drink will lose its fizz eventually as the conversation draws on he takes a sip. </p><p><br/>Hyunwoo wipes his bottom lip from the sauce (which drove Kihyun crazy but okay) as he nods. “It will be fun! Since you’re still rather new here, it would be great to get around and meet everyone. Mingle a little.” Hyunwoo giggles fondly at the idea of going to the festival with Kihyun, maybe treating him to some of the town’s specialties.</p><p><br/>“How is it even possible to meet everybody, hyung? You’re exaggerating,” Kihyun takes his chopsticks in hand and mixes the noodles a bit more, determined to get the last bit of sauce . “And you’re just trying to convince me to go with you to the festival.”</p><p><br/>“Have you seen how big this town is? And so what if I want you to accompany me to the festival? If you haven’t noticed, I actually like your company.” Those word shouldn’t have affected Kihyun the way it did but he just hid it by drinking the rest of the cola.</p><p><br/>The night sky was littered by the lanterns made by the kids from the preschool, yellow and orange paper with drawings of their wishes. At least this is what Kihyun knows from what Hyunwoo explained but he was too busy lifting his gaze off the navy flannel and the skinny jeans the older decided to wear tonight. Kihyun quietly chews on his bottom lip, deciding to read the menus of the stalls they pass by, gently tugging on the sleeves of his grey sweater.</p><p><br/>The echoing sound of the guitar makes Kihyun lift his head to the direction where it came from. He spots a small crowd forming around a small make-shift stage, he quietly listens to the boy who seems to not be older than twenty sing ‘Can’t Take My Eyes Off You’. His mind darts to distant memories he has long buried of busking in the streets of Hongdae, smiling at the thought of how he has spent hours practicing English songs such as the one he is listening to right now.</p><p><br/>Hyunwoo takes in all of Kihyun’s features while he is distracted, a faint smile forming on his lips. He blinks when he looks at Kihyun’s eyes full of longing and nostalgia.</p><p><br/>“Do you want to sing?” Kihyun’s ears turn as pink as his hair which just made Hyunwoo want to keep him in his pocket and maybe let him stay there for forever.</p><p><br/>“No… No… I’m not a singer…” He tugs once again on his sweater sleeves, trying to hold on something as he slowly feels himself grow embarrassed and smaller under Hyunwoo’s gaze.</p><p><br/>Hyunwoo takes his wrist gently, “Come on! It will be fun!” Kihyun’s attempt at a protest was drowned out by the clapping of the crowd they were in. Hyunwoo takes it as a sign to gently push him on the stage.</p><p><br/>Kihyun felt his hands grow cold and he could barely hear the guitarist when she asked him what song he would be singing tonight for his heartbeat was the only clear thing in his eardrums. Hyunwoo has never seen the younger pale as much as he is seeing as of that moment, he starts to feel that maybe he had pressured him too much. </p><p><br/>They lock eyes as Kihyun trembling hands hold onto the microphone stand. Whatever nerves he was feeling right now, Kihyun felt a wave of comfort run through his system when Hyunwoo quietly mouths ‘Fighting’ to him as the guitar played the opening chords to Ed Sheeran’s ‘Give Me Love’.</p><p><br/>Hyunwoo watched his friend perform with wide eyes, was anyone supposed to be that good at singing? He watched in awe as Kihyun sang, stumbling a bit on the letter 'S' but it made that performance more unique Hyunwoo says in thought.  The way he stumbled but sang beautifully like he did made the performance his. </p><p><br/>Kihyun, having not performed in almost a year, was breathing deeply during the parts where he didn’t need to sing. He closes his eyes to remind himself that he has done this before and that he can do it again. But in the darkness when he closes his eyes, all he can see is Hyunwoo and even when he opens them, he is the first person he sees. </p><p><br/>It is that moment Kihyun felt his heart beat not due to stage jitters but because of how intently Hyunwoo was staring back at him with a look he cannot read. It is in that moment that Kihyun felt that they were the only people there.</p><p><br/>The guitar has struck its final chord, the crowd that grew as he was performing erupted in applause and Kihyun relishes in the familiar feeling. Hyunwoo takes a mental picture of how beautiful Kihyun looked when he smiled.</p><p><br/>“You did amazing!” Hyunwoo said excitedly as they walk side by side. Kihyun lets out a small giggle which sounded as angelic as his voice. Was it weird that Hyunwoo wanted to record it and make it his alarm? He’d love waking up to Kihyun’s voice every single day. </p><p><br/>Or maybe, even better, he’d love waking up beside Kihyun.</p><p><br/>"Thank you... It's been a while since I perfomed... It felt great,  thanks hyung." His smile was soft and subtle, gentle even.  How is this even the same person that snapped at him during their first meeting not even a month ago?</p><p><br/>"You're beautiful." </p><p><br/>The words slip through his lips so easily that it takes him a second to even realize what he just said. Kihyun was taken aback, blinking quietly and is thankful for how the lanterns were not enough to illuminate how pink- no. how <em>red</em> he was becoming. </p><p><br/>When Kihyun didn't respond to what he said, Hyunwoo felt himself panic. "I mean-" A bright light opened itself above them as it bursted in splendid colors. The fireworks show had started and has successfully cut their line of conversation. </p><p><br/>Kihyun marvels at the display, thankful for a distraction and time to be able to collect himself. He tenses up ever so slighty when he felt a hold on his wrist. "Stop doing that... You're going to ruin your sweater."</p><p><br/>Kihyun can only nod, looking up at Hyunwoo. Kihyun doesn't think about the fact that Hyunwoo is still holding onto his wrist,  doesn't think about the possibility that Hyunwoo might feel how fast his heartbeat is through his pulse, and most certainly doesn't think about how Hyunwoo sems to slowly leaning in.  Kihyun just focuses on how hot he starts to feel, on how the blood seemed to rush back to his cheeks, and how warm Hyunwoo's lips feel against his. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <em>Basked in the colors of celebratory fire works, Kihyun lost himself in Hyunwoo's eyes and lips that night. </em>
</p><p><br/>/</p><p><br/>Weeks have passed and the colors have slowly spread and things were surely looking bright for the two.  But admittedly to themselves, they were a work in progress. They knew they had rough edges and had wounds that needed more care than just patching but they were thankful to have found just what they needed in each other. </p><p><br/>Kihyun lays calmly in his arms, nuzzling his face in the crook of Hyunwoo's who is letting out soft giggles. "Your breath is tickling me-" Instead of stopping, Kihyun just intentionally let out a sudden gush of air through his nose which had Hyunwoo pushing him away gently as he erupted with laughter. </p><p><br/>Kihyun will never get tired of making Hyunwoo laugh. </p><p><br/>Hyunwoo's hand finds itself in Kihyun's, interlocking their fingers ever so gently  before pressing his lips against his knuckles making the latter blush deeply. Hyunwoo smiles widely and his eyes once again form themselves into crescents.</p><p><br/>"Can you even see me when you smile like that-"</p><p><br/>"I don't need to clearly see you to know that you're my future."</p><p><br/>"Aish! That doesn't even make any sense!" Kihyun's eyebrows furrow and he crossed his arms across his chest which in turn earned another loud laugh from Hyunwoo who just found Kihyun adorable. </p><p><br/>In happy moments that closes off the rest of the world, you forget that the world doesn't revolve just around your story and Hyunwoo forgot how fast word goes around in this small town. </p><p><br/>It started subtly, enough to have Kihyun shrug them off as him just being paranoid but they slowly had themselves be known in the forms of curious yet judging stares. He understood that his pink hair was a huge contrast to the brown and black colors of the people around him but after living there for some time, he figured they would have gotten used to the walking cotton candy. It was when he passed by the bakery did he understand what they were staring at him for.</p><p><br/>"Are you sure that Hyunwoo is going out with him?"</p><p><br/>"Certainly.  I saw them the other day, the one with the pink hair was clinging to Hyunwoo.  It was too much for my taste." Kihyun didn't need to face them to know that they were drilling hateful looks into his soul. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <em>"Tsk, I knew his Seoul influences were disgusting."</em>
</p><p><br/>He acted unfazed as he bought what he came for but the moment he had stepped inside his apartment, he felt like a house of cards blown by the wind. He sat there by the door until he had lost count of time, not even coming to his senses when Hyunwoo came and brought a box of strawberry shortcake.</p><p> <br/>"Hey," Hyunwoo gently places the cake to the side and cups his lover's face into his hands.  Hyunwoo felt his heart break as he took in the tears rolling over the dried tear marks on his cheeks. Kihyun's nosetip was a lighter shade of pink than his hair, bottom lip protuding ever so slightly as quiet sobs left his lips. "Baby... What's wrong? What happened?"</p><p><br/>Hyunwoo's thumb grazes ever so gently, wiping away whatever evidence of hurt he can. Kihyun gently gripped on Hyunwoo's shirt, breathing shakily. "I'm a bad influence on you hyung... "</p><p><br/>"What? Where did you even hear that? "</p><p><br/>"Don't-don't you see? Everyone in-in town thinks so." Kihyun says in between sobs and he remembers then why he hates crying: he finds it hard to stop. "My-my Seoul influnces are disgusting and I'm-I'm a bad influence on you-" </p><p><br/>Hyunwoo hugs him tightly, gently caressng the back of Kihyun's head which only made him sob even more.  Kihyun grips tightly on Hyunwoo's shirt as he cries painfully. They both know how scary their relationship is, the beauty of their love has an equal of consequence and pain.  They both knew from the moment it all began, that this will not be easy. </p><p><br/>Hyunwoo didn't need to say anything for Kihyun to be comforted, the warmth of his hug and how tight his arms held him was a silent answer to all of the questions that Kihyun had running through his mind. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <em>The stars shone brightly the night that specks of dirt disturbed their pages of color.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p><br/>/</p><p> </p><p><br/>"Take-out's here!" Kihyun's voice echoed throughout the apartment, hugging the McDonald's paper bag close to his chest while his other hand held the drinks.</p><p> "Burgers and nuggets are coming your way Mr. Son!"</p><p><br/>"Is it really McDonald's without the fries Kihyun?"</p><p><br/>Kihyun scoffs, "Of coure not! That's why we have the Best Friend Fries!" He exclaims with clear excitement in his eyes as he brings it out. </p><p><br/>"Aww,  babe, I'm your best friend?"</p><p><br/>"Yuck no, who said I was sharing this with you?"</p><p><br/><em>Typical Kihyun</em> but Hyunwoo saw through the face of digust. He presses a kiss on his cheek and Kihyun just rolled his eyes, handing some fries much to his boyfriend's delight. So they ate like two young adults who never heard the concept of distance as they comfortably let their bodies tangle into one another.</p><p><br/>"How can you NOT like the movie, hyung?" </p><p><br/>"I mean, it was okay but wasn't up to my taste, baby." Hyunwoo watched as Kihyun cleaned up the crumbs off the coffee table, quietly grumbling on how his boyfriend doesn't even know how to appreciate art when he has it in front of his face.  Hyunwoo lets out a laugh, "Really? All this for Melissa McCarthy?"</p><p><br/>If Kihyun's face could look more offend than it already is, Hyunwoo just witnessed its transition</p><p><br/>"Excuse me, Melissa is my comedy queen-" <br/>Hyunwoo stands up and grabs Kihyun's wrist all in a span of few seconds.</p><p>"You're bleeding."</p><p><br/>"What?"</p><p>Hyunwoo gestures to his nose and when Kihyun felt it, he takes a sharp breath in the moment he sees the striking red crimson on his pale skin. Hyunwoo notices the inital shock that came over Kihyun and gently has him sit down, tilting his forward slightly and gently pinching the bridge of his nose.  "Don't move."</p><p><br/>His voice was stern but held a gentleness which was constant when it comes to Hyunwoo.  Kihyun loved that.</p><p><br/>He watched as his boyfriend returned with an ice pack and had it gently pressed against his nose bridge. He had a bleeding nose for goodness sake but all he wanted to do was pull Hyunwoo close and kiss him until he feel his lips go sore. But that was all in his head, instead he took Hyunwoo's free hand and squeezes it gently.  "Thank you."</p><p><br/>Hyunwoo smiles at him and presses a soft kiss on Kihyun's forehead, staying close until the bleeding had stopped and until he was sure Kihyun's okay.  </p><p>
  <br/>
  <em>Colors hold each of their own meaning and red was the color of war. Red is the color of the flag that shouts that the battle has begun. </em>
</p><p> </p><p><br/>/</p><p> </p><p><br/>Kihyun was exposed to the idea of war since he was young,  having seen films centering on the topic.  He knows that a war is never fair for in a war,  there are no winners and losers.  The victory of a battle is depending on how the country's history has shaped the idea to be and Kihyun knows all of that.  Just that he forgot that when in war, sometimes your enemy isn't always one that can be seen. </p><p><br/>In Kihyun's case, it attacks when he least expects it to. He grows to know that this enemy is slow but it makes sure that the job gets done and the opponent's efforts prove to be fruitful for Kihyun lays on his bed shivering to the bone. The only doctor in their humble town cannot form a diagnosis for what Kihyun was feeling as of the moment for he didn't have the enough equipment in his clinic. Hyunwoo knew what he had to do. </p><p><br/>"Do you really need to accompany him, my son?" Hyunwoo looks up to see his mom standing by the door frame, leaning against it. Hyunwoo and his parents are very close and he was thankul for that because he gets to talk to them about whatever he desires.  But ever since he and Kihyun became a couple, there was always this slight hesitance on the topic.  Although it saddens him a bit,  he understands why it's still difficult to openly discuss but he sees the efforts his parents are giving. He's more than thankful for that. </p><p><br/>"I need to mom." He says quietly with his hands pressing firmly on the clothes before putting it in his gym bag. </p><p><br/>"Can't he... Go to his family?" Hyunwoo winces, staying still with his gaze on the open bag. </p><p>"He has no one ma.. His parents died... Which is the reason why he came here, to our town." He recalls the pained look Kihyun had when he first asked him the reason he moved. He speaks of the accident and the sudden rush of financial support through insurance so easily but he knows that behind that tight lipped smile is a wave of tears waiting to be released. </p><p><br/>His mom is silent after that and she remains so as he continues packing.  She gently taps his shoulder when he finally zips the bag. "Here," she encloses a rather thick envelope into his palms and squeezes his hands. "Some pocket money for you and Kihyun... And a bit more just in case you'll need it."</p><p><br/>Hyunwoo felt a heavy weight lifted off of his chest as he hugs his mom close to him. </p><p><br/>They always say to prepare for the unexpected without even teaching you how to. It's as if the words of reminder were enough to teach the kids that the world is cruel. It will try everything to push you down but you must get up once again quickly right after. Hyunwoo had this practically tattooed in his mind, being the one to remind the other kids of his class during his time as class president but nothing could've prepared him for this. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <em>"I'm sorry Mr. Yoo but you have Chronic myelogenous leukemia." </em>
</p><p><br/>Hyunwoo's grip on his Kihyun's hand grew tighter, a sharp pain suddenly being felt in his chest and he doesn't understand why when he wasn't even the one who was diagnosed.  When he looks at Kihyun's fallen face, he then understands why it hurts this much.  </p><p><br/>His other half is the one diagnosed.  His other half,  a part of him, is the one that's sick... <em>That's why</em>... It hurts him too. </p><p><br/>Hyunwoo listens as the doctor explained that this type of leukemia is common in adults but this fact wasn't helpful weight of the reality that Kihyun, his beautiful Kihyun, is diagnosed with such. What were you supposed to say to someone who was diagnosed leukemia to help them feel better?</p><p><br/>"Is there a cure?" Was the first thing that Kihyun asked and he was quick to notice how the doctor pressed his lips for a moment too long for his taste. </p><p><br/>"Some cases call for clinical trials but the only chance that we can guarantee a definitive cure for your type of leukemia is a bone marrow transplant-"</p><p><br/>"I'll take it." </p><p><br/>The doctor blinks for a moment, surprised at how quick his answer was. "I would like to inform you that undergoing a bone marrow transplant has its own risks."</p><p><br/>"But you said it's my only chance," Kihyun was starting to feel irritated. "Then why should I not take it?"</p><p><br/>"It may lead to death, Mr. Yoo. " </p><p><br/>The way the doctor deadpans such an info made Kihyun angry. Seeing no remorse or whatever that likens to pity in his eyes, just how many times did this doctor say this sentence to patients so nonchalantly?</p><p><br/>Kihyun left the office with his mind made up: he was going to take the surgery. They returned to their apartment in silence, Hyunwoo grazing his thumb over Kihyun's knuckles every now and then.  When the door closed, Kihyun felt all the chills he's been feeling for the fast few days leave his body in those moments as he welcomed the hot tears that were rolling down his face. </p><p><br/>Hyunwoo tightly hugs Kihyun to his chest, resting his chin on top of his pink hair to hide the fact that tears were also forming in his eyes. He takes a sharp breath and they stood there in silence, the only sound coming from Kihyun's quiet sobs. </p><p><br/>"I don't want to die yet Hyunwoo... I don't want to die... " Kihyun croaked quietly, gripping tightly in Hyunwoo's shirt.</p><p><br/>"Shh... Shh... You won't die... You can do this, I'm here for you... " Hyunwoo presses his lips on Kihyun's forehead for a long moment, silently hoping that Kihyun can get strength from his kiss. He feels Kihyun eventually calm down but his grip on his shirt didn't loosen. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <em>When the stakes are high and there is more pain than there is gain, you realize that nothing is really fair when it comes to war. </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>/</p><p> </p><p><br/>The procedures went on like what they were told, Kihyun had to undergo a number of tests to see if he was physically capable for the transplant.  Hyunwoo was there for every test. Not literally there but he was outside the testing room because the nurses told him so but he was there the moment Kihyun goes out the room. </p><p><br/>They were able to get home after the first few tests but then a radiologist had to implant a intravenous catheter. It was a long thin tube that according to the doctors, will stay for the rest of Kihyun's treatment. Hyunwoo tries his best to wrap his head around the idea that the tube will be use to transplant stem cells, his medications, and blood products in.  He was oddly fascinated at the procedure. </p><p><br/>"I'm sorry." Hyunwoo blinks, holding onto Kihyun's hand who was laying down on his hospital bed. </p><p><br/>"What for? You have nothing to apologize for, my love." Kihyun just sighs even when Hyunwoo presses a kiss on his knuckles. </p><p><br/>"You're going to be spending a lot for my treatments... Your parents too... It's embarassing Hyunwoo." The older has got to get used to the fact that Kihyun calls him by his name and not hyung.  He still has butterflies whenever his name would roll out of Kihyun's tongue. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <em>Shut up Son Hyunwoo, focus! </em>
</p><p><br/>"Shh... It's okay... Your parents had you on medical insurance didn't they?" He smiles fondly at him, gently caressing his cheek which caused Kihyun to pout.  "You have nothing to worry about my love, I'm here... All will be taken care of."</p><p><br/>Kihyun silently nods, holding onto Hyunwoo's hand tightly. "Will I be okay?"</p><p><br/>Another kiss is pressed onto his forehead.  "You will be, I promise."</p><p><br/>Hyunwoo has no intentions to break the promise he made for Kihyun so he does his best to keep strong, especially when Kihyun starts to undergo chemotherapy. Hyunwoo thought that when chemo starts, you will automatically lose your hair but he learns that this wasn't the case. </p><p><br/>"Will you still love me even if I'm bald?" Kihyun asks suddenly during their dinner. Hyunwoo chuckles softly from his spot beside Kihyun, raising an eybrow. "I mean, who knows,  maybe you loved me for my hair and not me-"</p><p><br/>Hyunwoo shuts him up with a soft kiss. "Baby, your hair is beautiful but that's not just a bonus on the amazing person that you are."</p><p><br/>Kihyun rolls his eyes which made Hyunwoo laugh, hugging him gently but warmly. "I love you, bald or not.  I love you for you."</p><p><br/>Now Kihyun was the one to blush but Hyunwoo smiled widely when he heard him mutter a soft "I love you too. "</p><p> </p><p><br/>/</p><p> </p><p><br/>Change comes gradually and the most drastic physical change for someone who is undergoing chemotherapy is probably the hairloss.  Hair is related to one's person beauty as society would say so to lose it, is a punch to the gut and separation from a piece of you. </p><p><br/>Kihyun stands in front of the bathroom mirror, body numb as he gently holds onto the clumps of hair in his hands.  His pink locks that have remained pink just because Hyunwoo liked the color on him was slowly fading and not in the sense that Kihyun would have very much accepted.</p><p><br/>He tears up, letting them roll down his cheeks as he tries to suppress the sobs that's leaving his lips. </p><p><br/>"Hey baby, are you hungry-" Hyunwoo freezes at the sight,  instinctively hugging Kihyun close. When their bodies made contact, the tear dam broke and Kihyun's whole body was shaking with soft sobs. Hyunwoo can only rub his shoulders gently, hugging him closer to him.  "It's okay... You're going to be okay... I'm here... "</p><p><br/>Kihyun grips tightly on Hyunwoo's arm, breathing shakily. As time passed, Kihyun has accepted the reality of the effects of the chemotherapy on him. He felt himself get thinner, has gotten much more nauseous, and even lost appetite for his favorite foods that Hyunwoo puts an effort in bringing. He feels as though his life was slowly being squeezed out of him like a lemon. </p><p><br/>Oh, what he would do to become a lemon and not a sick person.  But then again, if he was a lemon,  he wouldn't have met Hyunwoo so he doesn't understand why he thought that was better. </p><p><br/>His thoughts were interrupted by the door opening and a very happy boyfriend of his entered the room. His very presence is the sun and Kihyun once again questions what he did to deserve someone as pure hearted as Hyunwoo. </p><p><br/>"Hi babe, what got you so excited?" </p><p><br/>"I got a surprise for you, close your eyes." Kihyun looks at him weirdly.  "Come on, trust me on this."</p><p><br/>Sighing playfully, Kihyun does what is told but tensed when he felt Hyunwoo gently pull on the wrap he had around his now balding head.  He gripped tightly on his wrist.</p><p><br/> "Don't."</p><p><br/>"Trust me on this..." The way Hyunwoo's voice was so soft that it calmed Kihyun as he breathes in, feeling Hyunwoo remove his head wrap and replace it with something.  It felt warm...And knitted? </p><p><br/>Hyunwoo smiles proudly. "There we go!" Kihyun took this as a sign to open his eyes, surprised at the mirror that's suddenly in front of him.  Hyunwoo replaced his pastel blue head wrap with a light pink beanie whose color was similar to his previous hair color. He runs his fingers tentatively over the words 'My Fighter' that was embroidered with red thread on the fold of the beanie. </p><p><br/>"You always did look great in pink." Hyunwoo said, happily kissing Kihyun's cheek. </p><p><br/>Kihyun thinks now as he feels his heart racing that he definitely would rather be a sick Kihyun who met Hyunwoo than a lemon who never will. </p><p> </p><p><br/>/</p><p> </p><p><br/>The whole process of undergoing chemotherapy was called 'conditioning',  preparing your body for the upcoming pain that is known as surgery.  Kihyun had finished his sessions and is now facing the reality that he was going to undergo a bone marrow transplant. The thought frightens him. </p><p><br/>The surgery itself took about two hours as was expected and Hyunwoo was trying his best to not count on how many times the clock had ticked since Kihyun went through the metal doors.  His mind goes back to the fact that Kihyun had taken medicine to help him sleep throughout the entire procedure so he won't feel any pain then.  <em>Then</em>. </p><p><br/>Hyunwoo's mind start flooding with thoughts on how he cant help his boyfriend heal well, taking in shaky breaths that people who passed him might as well be thinking the man was crying.  He was already near to in fact but he calls this near breakdown as 'mental preparation'. </p><p><br/>He stares at the light over the door that signaled that surgery was underway. He must be strong...<em> For Kihyun</em>.  </p><p><br/>When the light turned off, it didn't exactly mean that Hyunwoo was allowed to see Kihyun just yet.  He waited for almost another hour before he was permitted in the room. Hyunwoo thinks of how familiar the hospital hallway grew to be as his stay -their stay- extended. He thinks of how the walls of Kihyun's room were still bare, making a mental note to bring something the next time he goes out. The only color that to him symbolizes life is the bright contrast of the pink beanie which rests on the small table beside Kihyun's bed. </p><p><br/>His lover was uncouncious still, connected to a new IV which Hyunwoo considers as a frequent guest in their room. Hyunwoo gets comfort from the way Kihyun's cheeks are starting to flush with color once again and the way his chest falls and rises with every steady breath. Things are starting to look up.</p><p> <br/>Just like that, their story was being painted with bright colors that shouted of happiness after months of filling each sheet with shades of grey. It felt wonderful and both can feel a huge weight lifted off their shoulders. <em>The hardest part was over.</em>  </p><p><br/>Kihyun was getting well after the surgery, Hyunwoo can see it in the subtle habits Kihyun was starting to pick on yet again. His appetite was growing day by day, frequently asking Hyunwoo to buy the dishes his taste buds have been aching to have for the last weeks.  Kihyun was getting the weight back to his cheeks and color was starting to coming back to his lips. With that, Hyunwoo steals a kiss and they laugh the days away as if pain never existed in the first place. </p><p><br/>But when all things were starting to look great, with the promise of being able to go home in a week's time, it's as if the universe started to get bored and decided to play a game again. The sun was still high up that day when Kihyun felt lightheadded, the noise from the television being drowned out from his senses before suddenly doubling over and puking out all that he had that morning. It was all a blur afterwards.  </p><p><br/>Hyunwoo was warned of such thing before the surgery had took place so he found himself pressing the button that alerts the nurses repeatedly, them rushing over not long after firmly instructing Hyunwoo to stay outside of the room as they tend to Kihyun.</p><p> <br/>Graft-versus-Host-disease or which was shortened by the doctors to GVHD was named guilty for making Kihyun feel nausea only to be followed by diarrhea. Hyunwoo can feel himself slowly break as the cycle that he watched his boyfriend go through painfully repeats itself right before his very eyes. </p><p><br/>"We aren't seeing the results we would like to see." The doctor starts and Hyunwoo clearly remembers that day, the time with it being the 15th of the month and the clock shows 17 minutes after 10 in the morning.  He would never forget that day, the day when he felt that the little canvas painting he made of a tulip, whose original purpose was to make the room feel more alive, started mocking him and his optimism and hope.The day when after weeks of medication, they were told to 'prepare for the worst' and the words hangs heavy over his head. </p><p><br/>He starts to feel angry.  He starts to feel angry at himself for possibly being the reason why Kihyun's condition got worst, for not being enough help in the process which may have led to this. He feels angry at the universe for being a jerk and playing around with their lives, angry at the fact that the universe most likely deprived them of a long life together getting to know what irks the other the most and how wonderful it would have felt to propose at the beach being basked by the sunset.  </p><p><br/>Hyunwoo feels his heart clench at the fact that Kihyun's body rejected the medication he needed to stay alive.  A part of him is blaming Kihyun for letting go of the fight too easily, for giving up on himself, for giving up on them.  Hyunwoo was brought back to reality when he feels someone squeeze his hand, he meets the eyes of Kihyun that are glassy from the tears unshed. Hyunwoo feels a wave of guilt consume him as he realizes that Kihyun was tired... But Kihyun never gave up.  </p><p><br/>Hyunwoo hugs Kihyun tight and both quietly cry in the hospital room which became witness to the couple's struggles for the past few months.</p><p>
  <em>Hyunwoo realizes that Kihyun never gave up, it's just that it's time to accept the truth. </em>
</p><p> </p><p><br/>/</p><p> </p><p><br/>They say you can never hate someone you once loved and Hyunwoo found that to be very true. You can never hate someone who once occupied every second of your waking day.  He thinks of how people minsinterprets this ache of longing for the other's presence into hate.  He also thinks of how Kihyun would have hit his head but not to hurt him, he calls it as an attempt to bring Hyunwoo back to the reality that the world was different and their stories are too, that Hyunwoo couldn't possibly understand that their feeling of hate was extremely valid. </p><p><br/>Hyunwoo thinks of how he was always a thinker, how Kihyun always brought the balance between them and always filled the void of silent questions with his answers. He believed Kihyun to be the only certainty in his life and it has been proven time and time again. </p><p><br/>The day came as if Kihyun already saw it, he gently holds onto Hyunwoo's hand and cracks a weak smile.</p><p>"Hyunwoo... My love... I'm so sorry for not being strong enough... For causing you so much pain when all you deserved was happiness..." Hyunwoo opens his mouth to speak but Kihyun cuts him off, gently caressing Hyunwoo's hand. "I want you to know... How thankful I am for you... I don't deserve you and everything you've done for me... I really don't and I'm...just.. Very thankful that you've come into my life. Thank you for bringing color into my life, Hyunwoo."</p><p><br/>Hyunwoo holds onto Kihyun's hand tightly, quietly transferring the strength as he watched his beloved breathe out the words through heavy intervals.  He feels his eyes glass over, the voices back in his head screaming and debating on what he should say to Kihyun. </p><p><br/>He gently presses his lips against Kihyun's lips for a long moment, moving to his temple and choked back his own tears as he spoke, "You brought color into mine baby, I love you so much... I'll see you around... "</p><p><br/>Kihyun chuckles softly at what he heard, leaning to Hyunwoo as he felt tears roll silently roll down his cheeks. "I love you too..." </p><p><br/>Hyunwoo did always find it ironic how he was made to promise that he will never cry to Kihyun when the latter cried but he never spoke of it.  He never spoke of it but he was determined to live up to the last promise he made to his love.  </p><p><br/>Even as Hyunwoo stares at the grey color of the plaque that has Kihyun's name,birthday, and <em>that day</em> engraved on it; he can never find it himself to hate Kihyun for going as soon as he did.  He takes a shaky breath as he leaves a tulip with the shade of his favorite color on Kihyun. The same color that started their story and the color that started their love.</p><p>He smiles foolishly at the thought how Kihyun would most likely eat his head off for bringing a tulip but he knows that out of all the people in the world, Kihyun would understand his reasons behind it the best. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>And in Hyunwoo's book, Kihyun will always be his favorite color. </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>*hands a tissue box* im sorry for hurting you :((</p></blockquote></div></div>
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